Friday, December 16, 2011

Holiday Gift Guide for the Whiskey Enthusiast

Earlier this week I posted this to the online forum (in the Paraphernalia section), and was encouraged by someone (who shall remain nameless and therefore blameless) to repost it here. (as its called by its members) has an active membership that's over 99% male, and the original version of this was formulated for that population. For the blog I felt I should make at least a nominal effort to make it gender-neutral, so I dug out my Ronco® PC-O-Matic and started stuffing the post into the feed hopper. It started to run a little rough while on the third item, and seized up completely on item #4, requiring complete disassembly and cleaning with powerful and highly caustic solvents.

Anyway, here it is, and hopefully not rendered too banal.

Your friends and relations want to know what you want, and you really need to come up with a list. After all, you've already received enough "whiskey stones" to repave your driveway, and enough Jack Daniels BBQ sauce to cover a blue whale.

Well, we at Epicureans in Whiskeyland (located just south of the North Pole, on decidedly thin ice) are here to help. Our crack team of webcrawlers spent an entire morning (except for ten minutes when he had to help a pesky client) plugging improbable combinations into Google and reviewing the results. We think we've come up with some selections that should please even the most jaded whiskeyphile.

Half a Bottle of Whiskey Bumper Sticker 
$5 from Cafe Press

Nothing perks up a vehicle more than an amusing bumper sticker (not to mention enhancing the resale value) and this one is bound to elicit friendly responses from fellow motorists. In fact, that one behind you is flashing festive red and blue lights...oh wait...better pull over...hopefully he won't spot your...

Got Bourbon? Tote Bag - $18 from Cafe Press

He's not going to take your word that it's just groceries, so you'll just have to let him examine the contents. After he's found nothing but Fruit Loops, Twizzlers and liter sized bottles of YooHoo, he'll probably still want to see your driver's license, so you'll need to reach for your...

"Let's Get Hammered" Wallet
$34.50 from Cafe Press

If he hasn't already decided to give you a breathalyzer test, he will now!

Bourbon Thong Panties - $12.50 from Cafe Press

Just the thing for the little lady in your life! (or for you, if you're a lady)(and, in case she/you isn't/aren't so little, available up to Size 12). The question is: how do you eat bourbon? Add mass quantities of Sure Gel? The only way this will make any sense is if you can convince her/yourself to start referring to her/your, um, special place as her/your "bourbon".  For you guys, good luck with that. For you ladies, tell your man this while modeling these for him. If he looks confused, ask him, "Well, you're a Real Man, aren't you?" If he still looks confused (let me guess - he's a global warming skeptic, isn't he?) then maybe it's time to trade him in on a less clueless model.

Scotch Whisky Aroma Kit - $150 from

You say you just don't get Scotch. Don't pick up any of those subtle aromas described by John Hansell or Jim Murray? Then this is the sure cure for your malt-challenged proboscis. Those with a particular interest in Islay malts will be pleased to learn that included are "Rotting Seaweed", "Rancid Iodine", "Dead Mackerel" and "Seagull Poop".

Fee's Pickle Brine - $6.95 from

You're a hip urban sophisticate, so you already know that the "pickleback" is all the rage. You want to be able to have 'em at home, but it's such a pain having to buy all those jars of pickles just to get the brine (and what to do with all the pickles?). Fee's Brothers has the solution! Keep this 4/5 pint (huh?) bottle handy and you'll always have a ready chaser for that shot of 20 year old Pappy van Winkle.

Whiskey the Clown mask - $37.95 from Costumes4less

Now you're all set for your neighbor's big annual holiday costume ball. Of course, if they greet you with, "Oh, you came as yourself," then it's probably time to call the local AA chapter and inquire about the next meeting.

Scotch & Water Pet Dish - $20 from Cafe Press

Getting tired of Old Blue's annoying habit of barking at his reflection in that stainless steel bowl? Chuck that chunk of scrap metal and get him one of these. Fill it with water, add a few drops of yellow food coloring, and your guests will be wondering. Could that really be Scotch? Is it single malt? If not, should we report him to the SPCA? If so, I wonder if I could sneak a sip? Is anyone watching?

Irish Whiskey Cheese - $21.99 (was $29.99) from Figi's

Mmmmm..."delightfully enhanced with the finest single malt Kilbeggan Whiskey". Having just read a post from someone who'd just tried some Kilbeggan and reported "this bottle might end up down the drain," I have to wonder if this represents an effort to get rid of a bad batch, as in, "Oh what'll we do with this, now? Ah, we'll be mixing it with cheese and selling it to the Americans! They'll buy anything, they will!"

Flashing Whiskey Glass - $4.75 from Amazon

Bourbon is brown and, let's face it, brown is so...beige. Get a set of these and you've got a party in your glass! Multicolored LEDs add a visual element to the aroma and taste of your favorite whiskey. Who needs a Christmas tree when you've got this?

Jack Daniels Gumball Machine - $98.50 from Amazon

A stylish addition to any room of the house, and functional too. Fill with Koppers Chocolate Whiskey Cordials and you're set. Just the thing for guests with children; they'll form memory associations that will guide them well in adulthood. It's a Good Thing.

Carpe Bourbon Yard Sign - $19 from Cafe Press

Put one of these in your front yard and the whole neighborhood will be talking! Maybe they'll even forget about you being on the Sex Offenders Registry.

So, if you've been Nice this year perhaps you'll find a number of these items under the tree. Christmas evening you could be sitting in your easy chair, with a couple of flashing whiskey glasses on the end table by your side, one filled with 20 year old Pappy van Winkle and the other with Fee's Pickle Brine. Curled up next to you is your Significant Other, and one of you is wearing item #4 (or maybe even both of you). Through the front window comes a joyful noise and a warm glow...yes, it's the Home Owners Association setting fire to your Bourbon sign.

Truly, could it get any better?

Happy Holidays!

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